Author Topic: Life changes.  (Read 983 times)

Offline Christopher Harper

Life changes.
« on: September 30, 2013, 04:37:41 AM »
Warning: if you don't care about the hilarious spectacle of how terrible my life goes, don't read this. If you do care and are concerned, read on- there's some pleasant surprises, but there's some unpleasant ones as well.

I believed for a time that I had recovered from my depression, but in hindsight I think I was wrong- I had simply been given reprieve from my source of constant misery, my stepfather. Now that I've been home using my own computer again, he's had free reign to antagonize me at any point in the day- but even more than usual, he's been terrible. I've been planning to move out for some time now, but I still don't have a job and, come Wednesday, I may or may not have to leave the house where I currently live entirely.

My stepfather's newfound burst of aggression isn't justified, but there is a reason behind it. My mother may have cancer (he didn't know what kind), and she'll get the test results back on Wednesday. If she has it, he said we'll all have to get of the house so that she can receive proper treatment and that they may check through the house for what caused it, like they did his grandfather. My stepdad's just generally an antagonistic prick, and he's been like that for the past five years- anyone that knows the more intimate details of my personal life should be aware that he's the reason I've been how I've been since the "Paint It Black" incident- my depression was not Smiley's fault, the breakup was just the catalyst. Even if it hadn't happened, I would've become like that on my own eventually anyways, because there's only so much a teenage girl who lives across the country can do about you and your abusive home.

There are some people who either doubt or furiously deny that I'm depressed. My response, in short, is "fuck you"- depression is defined as any period of emotional low, and a consistent half-decade streak of self-loathing, apathy and misery speaks for itself. I'm not here to make that argument, though. If you don't believe anything I say, just leave. This thread is for convenience, for the people who may or may not care. If you're not one of the former, seriously, just don't read it.

So with the possibility of my mother gaining a terminal illness, I'm faced with the harsh realities that I need to get a job as soon as possible, that I have to find a way to get of this house, and that my stepfather will only revert any kind of progress I've made on improving my emotional state as long as I'm here.

After an unprovoked instance of him ranting at me for a solid five minutes last night, I chatted up my girlfriend on Skype and explained what was going on and how helpless I felt and have felt ever since this all started. I was definitely wrong about recovery- all it took was some swearing and some threats and in no time I was miserable all over again.

She comforted me, but more importantly, she offered me a way out.

Basically, she's going to loan me money- quite a bit of money- to help me pay my part of the house I'm moving into with two friends within the next three weeks until I can get a job, gain financial stability, and start gradually paying her off. She's not going to hassle me about the money, but it is limited, and I don't intend to live off of my girlfriend's providence for anytime longer than absolutely necessary.

My best friend, Wyatt- who I'm getting the house with- may also have a place for me to stay for a time if worse comes to worst and I have to leave this house on Wednesday and my mother has, well, cancer.

There's a lot of bad here- a hell of a lot more than there should be- but regardless, I'm happy, because I finally get away from the main source of my problems and take control of my life in a way I've wanted to for some time. I'm bitter that I need help at all to do it and I'm hoping that my mother's life isn't in danger, because despite the arguments I have with her, I still love her like I should.

Things got worse. Things get worse. It happens, I'm pretty used to it.

But these past few months, I've learned to take the good with the bad, and I realize that while I haven't been able to control my circumstances, I can control how I react to them and how they affect my course in life and personal development. If I have a fictional character's level of tragic backstory and shitty life, I can only hope that I have that same only-in-fiction ability to somehow turn it all around.
if it can't be found in the US, it's not worth learning about.

Offline Christopher Harper

Re: Life changes.
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2013, 05:39:33 AM »
also, to clear up any misconceptions, my stepdad's not a horse, I meant to say "rein", not "reign"

gotta stop getting those confused
if it can't be found in the US, it's not worth learning about.

Offline YE

Re: Life changes.
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2013, 05:44:45 AM »
He may not be a horse, but he sure is an ass!

No but seriously man this is some heavy shit and you of all people don't need any more of that. You just take it easy and go somewhere you're comfortable and safe. Just stay safe.
The Desert seems vast, even endless. And yet scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow.

Offline Christopher Harper

Re: Life changes.
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2013, 05:45:51 AM »
He may not be a horse, but he sure is an ass!

qft
if it can't be found in the US, it's not worth learning about.

Re: Life changes.
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2013, 03:09:37 PM »
I feel like I should have more to say about this. But, like, good luck. That's all I can really say. I hope you find your way out of all this bullshit and away from your shitty equine stepdad into a better life. God knows you've had a more difficult one than most of us.

And... fuck cancer.